I miss you Dad!
The other night I couldn't sleep and so I decided to sit and think of things that I have enjoyed! That was actually a really fun way to lie in bed all night.
So I got thinking of my wedding day and my husband, my children and all of their births, and then I had a lot of fun remembering my Dad.
I remembered this particular time I felt very bad about my mothering. I had just had my second baby and I had thought I was doing a great job helping my oldest with the adjustment until she innocently told me otherwise. I got a very nice phone call from my Dad and I don't remember the particulars of what he said anymore, but I do remember that he made me feel much better and turned my feelings from total devastation into those of a "can-do" attitude.
I remembered a time when we were out on the motorcycle that we rode around on all summer, and how we made the loop up through Emigration Canyon and around East Canyon into beautiful little towns that I really fell in love with. I recall so many times on the back of that bike riding around and singing songs, probably looking like dorks but who cares.
I thought about how many times I lay around miserably sick and throwing up with my first pregnancy, and all the hours he spent on the phone with me. I loved getting to know more about his day and talking about mine every day, and loved the distraction from my misery.
I also thought about my Mom's voice. I remember the pain in her voice when she called me to let me know she was behind the ambulance on her way to the hospital where my Dad was either dying or dead in the ER. "The tender mercies of the Lord are over all the earth" and it so happened that I was just a few miles away on an in-law trip to the zoo, and was able to leave right away and be there with my Mom almost as soon as she arrived.
Then thinking about my Dad lying there. Which is when I said good-bye to him. "Good-bye Dad! I love you. Thank you for being a marvelous and kind father to me." But just good-bye to the Dad I have known all my life. I wonder how long he will live, and I wonder if by the end of his life I will have known him longer as the dad I grew up with or the dad my children will grow up with.
Isn't part of life learning to just accept things as they are? Admitting there is nothing to do but trust in God? These circumstances, although I would not have wished for them, have really caused me to really cry out to God, to beg Him for help and to ask Him comfort. You know what I found? He was already sending it. Already before I asked.
The week before the stroke, I was at his house with my two children and he called on his way home from work. My kids wanted to see him get off the train so we hopped in the stroller and I walked them up there. We waited....waited....waited....over an hour later he came. They thought it was the best and I love my memory of him walking off the train, and also watching him wave from the window as the train came to a stop. I actually was not too happy with the wait, but once he got there it was all worth it and is a great memory for me now. I consider this to be a tender mercy of the Lord, and I know He provided us with the opportunity for this sweet memory.
I don't like or even love Dr Laura but some things she says I think are great. Such as: there is no such thing as closure. She says what we call closure is actually just saying to yourself "This is how it is and now I have to figure out how to live with it." I like that thought. The best "closure" you can give yourself is to say "this is how it is. Now I need to figure out living with this fact, while maintaining a happy lifestyle."
I miss my Dad. I do! Okay I am his daughter and I know he misses himself more and my Mom does too! But I love that I get to spend lots of time each week with him, I love that he is around to talk to more, I love watching him play different games with my Dad.
When he was lying on the bed in the NCCU I told him I loved him, I told him I appreciated him. But I believe in life after death. I know there is a God and a heavenly plan for all of us. I have so much comfort from the Savior and from the scriptures and living prophets. So I told him he didn't need to stay here for me. I told him I was okay with it if he needed to leave, that I wasn't holding him. But here he is! The other day he told me he knew he choose to stay here, but he didn't know why. I told him I knew the same thing!
So if you're reading this and a loved one has a TBI or if you're reading this because you're my friend checking out my blog, thank you! I pray for all of us to find the peace that passeth understanding from our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. One of the many things I have loved from Sylvia Allredwhatever circumstances we are in.
PS I have a crying baby at present and therefore no time to proof read this so forgive any mistakes!